How to become the first She-President of the United States
The happy message to little girls across America this Christmastime is: Yes, Virginia, you can be president.
The yucky part is explaining to them that they’ll have to walk over the political corpses of Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin.
I think there needs to be a class in “She-President 101” to prepare our sensitive young ladies for the campaign trail. A lot can be learned about the do’s and don’ts of female presidential politics from its latest casualties.
First off—the clothes. When running for president, you should always look—clothed. That’s it. Just wear clothes. Follow Hillary’s lead on this one and buy one style of pantsuit in a thousand different colors—but feel free to skip tangerine and lime green. So what if the press makes fun of you? No one’s gonna elect a president because she smells nice or is red-carpet ready. It’s what comes out of your mouth—not your closet—that matters. Look at Nancy Pelosi. Does anyone respect her more because she wears Armani? No. She’s an ineffectual leader with or without her designer suits.
Which brings me to Sarah Palin. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Never, ever buy expensive clothes with someone else’s money. Why? Because that person will feel used, get mad and blab to the press. You can’t use campaign cash to flatter your figure. All you needed was one black skirt, a pair of black pants, one pair black heels, and 12 cropped blazers in assorted colors. I’m estimating $3,600 tops. Even French women own only a few great outfits, which they wear over and over. And no one needs to dress better than a French woman.
Second lesson for a woman running for president: You need a lot of gravitas. The dictionary defines gravitas as a serious and solemn way of behaving. President-elect Obama has loads of it. So does Hillary, who has the bonus ability of making men tremble. It’s one of her special talents. When she went toe-to-toe with her six male opponents during the presidential debates, fear was in the air because they knew Hillary could pounce like a leopard. Even blue-collar guys thought she was tough enough to be president. And if anyone can spot a woman with a steel vagina, it’s doz guys.
Which brings me to Sarah Palin. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Folksiness is great. Noun-verb agreement is even better. Unfortunately, your timing was off. After eight years of George W. Bush, America maxed out on folksy and suddenly craved intelligence and rationality. I was actually shocked that Alaska’s most famous moose-hunter turned out to be such a lightweight. I expected more killer instincts out of her. Instead, the hunter became the hunted, and she was tragically felled by Katie Couric with her relentless barrage of easy questions.
Third lesson to our future female presidential hopefuls: No f-ing winking allowed. If Obama had winked, they would’ve said it was a signal to his domestic terrorist friends. Winking belongs to Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus, not a future president in charge of two wars and an economy in cardiac arrest.
Lesson No. 4: No lying. Hillary, Hillary, Hillary. You of all people should know that everything a former first lady did during her tenure is well documented and videotaped. How could you possibly think that you could get away with your claim of “landing under sniper fire” in Bosnia? Let’s get reacquainted with history. We know just about every detail of Abraham Lincoln’s life from birth to assassination. We know all of Benjamin Franklin’s mistresses—which ones had cellulite, and the color panties they liked to wear. Did you really think no one would dig back and find out you were lying about the landing zone? There’s a name for what you have, Hillary: Blind ambition gone deaf.
Lastly, a female presidential candidate can’t whine—no matter what. She can’t blame the media for unfair or sexist coverage, even if that’s actually the case. Whatever the media gives, you’ve gotta take—with a smile. That’s the golden rule. This is one case where the truth has no effect. For instance, Saturday Night Live made fun of the Obama-crazed media for giving Hillary a hard time. The only reporter who seemed halfway bothered by the accusation was Anderson Cooper. Then Obama gave him a special inside look at his campaign and his eyes said “I love you” once again.
Little Virginia, please remember that the presidential campaign trail is not for the dainty hearted. It’s longer and harder than Ulysses’ 10-year journey home after the Trojan War (except the Cyclops were a lot friendlier than Hillary during the primaries). But if you endure and succeed, you will be the first She-President of the United States. Just don’t wink it up.
The yucky part is explaining to them that they’ll have to walk over the political corpses of Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin.
I think there needs to be a class in “She-President 101” to prepare our sensitive young ladies for the campaign trail. A lot can be learned about the do’s and don’ts of female presidential politics from its latest casualties.
First off—the clothes. When running for president, you should always look—clothed. That’s it. Just wear clothes. Follow Hillary’s lead on this one and buy one style of pantsuit in a thousand different colors—but feel free to skip tangerine and lime green. So what if the press makes fun of you? No one’s gonna elect a president because she smells nice or is red-carpet ready. It’s what comes out of your mouth—not your closet—that matters. Look at Nancy Pelosi. Does anyone respect her more because she wears Armani? No. She’s an ineffectual leader with or without her designer suits.
Which brings me to Sarah Palin. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Never, ever buy expensive clothes with someone else’s money. Why? Because that person will feel used, get mad and blab to the press. You can’t use campaign cash to flatter your figure. All you needed was one black skirt, a pair of black pants, one pair black heels, and 12 cropped blazers in assorted colors. I’m estimating $3,600 tops. Even French women own only a few great outfits, which they wear over and over. And no one needs to dress better than a French woman.
Second lesson for a woman running for president: You need a lot of gravitas. The dictionary defines gravitas as a serious and solemn way of behaving. President-elect Obama has loads of it. So does Hillary, who has the bonus ability of making men tremble. It’s one of her special talents. When she went toe-to-toe with her six male opponents during the presidential debates, fear was in the air because they knew Hillary could pounce like a leopard. Even blue-collar guys thought she was tough enough to be president. And if anyone can spot a woman with a steel vagina, it’s doz guys.
Which brings me to Sarah Palin. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Folksiness is great. Noun-verb agreement is even better. Unfortunately, your timing was off. After eight years of George W. Bush, America maxed out on folksy and suddenly craved intelligence and rationality. I was actually shocked that Alaska’s most famous moose-hunter turned out to be such a lightweight. I expected more killer instincts out of her. Instead, the hunter became the hunted, and she was tragically felled by Katie Couric with her relentless barrage of easy questions.
Third lesson to our future female presidential hopefuls: No f-ing winking allowed. If Obama had winked, they would’ve said it was a signal to his domestic terrorist friends. Winking belongs to Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus, not a future president in charge of two wars and an economy in cardiac arrest.
Lesson No. 4: No lying. Hillary, Hillary, Hillary. You of all people should know that everything a former first lady did during her tenure is well documented and videotaped. How could you possibly think that you could get away with your claim of “landing under sniper fire” in Bosnia? Let’s get reacquainted with history. We know just about every detail of Abraham Lincoln’s life from birth to assassination. We know all of Benjamin Franklin’s mistresses—which ones had cellulite, and the color panties they liked to wear. Did you really think no one would dig back and find out you were lying about the landing zone? There’s a name for what you have, Hillary: Blind ambition gone deaf.
Lastly, a female presidential candidate can’t whine—no matter what. She can’t blame the media for unfair or sexist coverage, even if that’s actually the case. Whatever the media gives, you’ve gotta take—with a smile. That’s the golden rule. This is one case where the truth has no effect. For instance, Saturday Night Live made fun of the Obama-crazed media for giving Hillary a hard time. The only reporter who seemed halfway bothered by the accusation was Anderson Cooper. Then Obama gave him a special inside look at his campaign and his eyes said “I love you” once again.
Little Virginia, please remember that the presidential campaign trail is not for the dainty hearted. It’s longer and harder than Ulysses’ 10-year journey home after the Trojan War (except the Cyclops were a lot friendlier than Hillary during the primaries). But if you endure and succeed, you will be the first She-President of the United States. Just don’t wink it up.
posted by Mary Paleologos at
12:48 AM
2 Comments:
Mary, Mary, Mary....
Truly inspirational writing for any person to read....A good jab to all on both sides of the aisle. You have a great insight into the blunders that make the Presidential race great for editorial wroting , much less the dreaded Op-Ed's { where one can truly be pillaged }.
I liked it very much ,as you tell...sorry you did not include a post chapter to dear sister Sarah on cutting short her POST VP run interviews and probably avoid all turkey Farms in the future....maybe a little chain saw action around Christmas to see how many tree she can cut down....
Great job...keep it going !!
JK
C'mon, let's be honest here. While we've never had a woman president yet, a couple have come pretty close. It's just a matter of time and the right candidate (one that can manage her staff).
But, as the Sarah candidacy has shown, there is one other much bigger barrier and prejudice to overcome. As all you shrill, liberal "Emily List" journalists and the males you control, cower at the very thought of Sarah displaying her many charms (in a retro red Janzen 1959 era bathing suit) at the Camp David swimming pool, it is clear there is no thought to you really being inclusive and seriously considering all woman candidates. Yes, it is now obvious that female "hot chick" candidates face far more discrimination than anyone.
No matter how intellectually astute the thoughts may be coming out of those luscious red lips; you, Tina Brown, Maureen Dowd and others of your ilk will just refuse to give Sarah the respect and consideration she deserves. It's sad. But at least I have my dreams.
Keep up the good work.
Chuck
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