Palin goes moose hunting for bin Laden
Senator John McCain has promised again and again to follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell. Now he’s got someone to actually do it—his vice presidential running mate Sarah Palin. I’m convinced that’s why he picked her.
Before the November 4 election, her task will be to hunt down bin Laden—just like she hunts moose—and drag him back to Washington like a dead grizzly bear.
This is how it’ll all go down. She along with a special commando team will be dropped in the area where bin Laden is most likely to be hiding—somewhere along the 1,600-mile Afghan-Pakistani border. That’s not much to go on. But don’t worry, Palin won’t be deterred by the fact that bin Laden’s trail went cold in 2001. She’ll chalk it up to greenhorn hunters who’ve never felt the stench of bear breath on their face.
Palin will take along her husband, the “First Dude” as he’s affectionately known in Alaska, because the two have a proven record of working well together as a hunting and fishing team. Plus First Dude won Alaska’s Iron Dog, a punishing 2,000-mile snowmobile race from Nome to Fairbanks. She’ll need him to make it through the mountain snow and the endless treks across the desert sands.
Wearing a kaftan and matching headscarf, her trademark glasses and combat boots, she’ll head off into the border villages of Afghanistan and Pakistan. The former Miss Congeniality will immediately make friends with all the Villagers she encounters. She’ll show them pictures of her five children, sew a few goat hides into blankets with the local sewing circles, and demonstrate her 1-2-3 busy-mom recipe for sheep intestine stew. (Trust me—you have no idea how good it is until you taste it.) The women will go crazy. She’ll be the Rachel Ray of Eastern Pashtun.
Next, she’ll challenge the men to a game of Buzkashi, the national sport of Afghanistan. Players on horseback try to grab a headless goat carcass lying in the center of the field and pitch it across a goal line. The Alaskan governor will jump on her horse, get hold of that bloody, stinky carcass with her bare teeth and fling it across the goal line like a warrior princess. She may have been a runner-up for Miss Alaska, but you can bet the Afghans will crown her Miss Buzkashi for this one. The bad news: the crown is made of wooly sheep’s feet.
Late in the evening, when everyone is sitting around the campfire roasting another poor unsuspecting goat, Palin will casually ask the Villagers if they know where bin Laden is. They will all clam up and tell her that she and her husband must now leave. There is nothing more to say.
This scenario will repeat itself time and again over a six-week period. When the presidential election is only a week away, Palin will turn to the First Dude and say: “Let’s go huntin.’ They’ll meet up with her commando team, which was waiting inconspicuously in the nearby mountains as she tried to schmooze her way into the hearts and minds of the Afghan people. Plan B goes into action. Palin must now rely on her finely honed moose-hunting instincts to locate her prey. “Don’t worry,” she assures the commandos. “I’m much better with a rifle than Cheney.”
The group treks hundreds of miles across brutal mountain terrain. As they pass the vicinity of Tora Bora, she yells: “Stop!”
They do.
“He’s here. I know it. I can feel it. He’s in that cave over there. He never left.”
Members of the commando team immediately take their offensive positions and wait for activity. They wait for three endless hours in the blistering heat. “It’s nice to feel warm for a change,” Palin whispers to the First Dude.
About six o’clock, bin Laden comes walking out of the cave holding hands with al-Zawahiri. Palin stands up and points her semi-automatic at bin Laden. “Die, Satan!” she yells and starts firing. The commandos take out his al-Quaida bodyguards as they pour out of the cave.
When the carnage is over, Governor Palin runs up to bin Laden. He’s still alive. She puts her ear close to his lips. With his last breath he says: “I can’t believe a hot governor from Alaska did me in. What a world . . .what a world . . . ” With that, he expires and the earth trembles as his soul descends to the seventh level of Dante’s Hell.
With tears in her eyes, Palin turns to her fellow commandos and says: “I just put another crack in the glass ceiling. Somebody call Hillary. By the way, have any of you ever stuffed a moose?”
“Come on,” says First Dude. “We’ve got an election to go to and you need a new toothbrush.”
When news of bin Laden’s demise reaches home, CNN host Campbell Brown and her latest panel of political commentators predict Obama-Biden will still win the election.
“Governor Palin’s shooting of bin Laden was impressive,” Brown concludes. “But it still doesn’t beat Obama’s acceptance speech at the convention. Nothing can possibly top that. Wow!”
Before the November 4 election, her task will be to hunt down bin Laden—just like she hunts moose—and drag him back to Washington like a dead grizzly bear.
This is how it’ll all go down. She along with a special commando team will be dropped in the area where bin Laden is most likely to be hiding—somewhere along the 1,600-mile Afghan-Pakistani border. That’s not much to go on. But don’t worry, Palin won’t be deterred by the fact that bin Laden’s trail went cold in 2001. She’ll chalk it up to greenhorn hunters who’ve never felt the stench of bear breath on their face.
Palin will take along her husband, the “First Dude” as he’s affectionately known in Alaska, because the two have a proven record of working well together as a hunting and fishing team. Plus First Dude won Alaska’s Iron Dog, a punishing 2,000-mile snowmobile race from Nome to Fairbanks. She’ll need him to make it through the mountain snow and the endless treks across the desert sands.
Wearing a kaftan and matching headscarf, her trademark glasses and combat boots, she’ll head off into the border villages of Afghanistan and Pakistan. The former Miss Congeniality will immediately make friends with all the Villagers she encounters. She’ll show them pictures of her five children, sew a few goat hides into blankets with the local sewing circles, and demonstrate her 1-2-3 busy-mom recipe for sheep intestine stew. (Trust me—you have no idea how good it is until you taste it.) The women will go crazy. She’ll be the Rachel Ray of Eastern Pashtun.
Next, she’ll challenge the men to a game of Buzkashi, the national sport of Afghanistan. Players on horseback try to grab a headless goat carcass lying in the center of the field and pitch it across a goal line. The Alaskan governor will jump on her horse, get hold of that bloody, stinky carcass with her bare teeth and fling it across the goal line like a warrior princess. She may have been a runner-up for Miss Alaska, but you can bet the Afghans will crown her Miss Buzkashi for this one. The bad news: the crown is made of wooly sheep’s feet.
Late in the evening, when everyone is sitting around the campfire roasting another poor unsuspecting goat, Palin will casually ask the Villagers if they know where bin Laden is. They will all clam up and tell her that she and her husband must now leave. There is nothing more to say.
This scenario will repeat itself time and again over a six-week period. When the presidential election is only a week away, Palin will turn to the First Dude and say: “Let’s go huntin.’ They’ll meet up with her commando team, which was waiting inconspicuously in the nearby mountains as she tried to schmooze her way into the hearts and minds of the Afghan people. Plan B goes into action. Palin must now rely on her finely honed moose-hunting instincts to locate her prey. “Don’t worry,” she assures the commandos. “I’m much better with a rifle than Cheney.”
The group treks hundreds of miles across brutal mountain terrain. As they pass the vicinity of Tora Bora, she yells: “Stop!”
They do.
“He’s here. I know it. I can feel it. He’s in that cave over there. He never left.”
Members of the commando team immediately take their offensive positions and wait for activity. They wait for three endless hours in the blistering heat. “It’s nice to feel warm for a change,” Palin whispers to the First Dude.
About six o’clock, bin Laden comes walking out of the cave holding hands with al-Zawahiri. Palin stands up and points her semi-automatic at bin Laden. “Die, Satan!” she yells and starts firing. The commandos take out his al-Quaida bodyguards as they pour out of the cave.
When the carnage is over, Governor Palin runs up to bin Laden. He’s still alive. She puts her ear close to his lips. With his last breath he says: “I can’t believe a hot governor from Alaska did me in. What a world . . .what a world . . . ” With that, he expires and the earth trembles as his soul descends to the seventh level of Dante’s Hell.
With tears in her eyes, Palin turns to her fellow commandos and says: “I just put another crack in the glass ceiling. Somebody call Hillary. By the way, have any of you ever stuffed a moose?”
“Come on,” says First Dude. “We’ve got an election to go to and you need a new toothbrush.”
When news of bin Laden’s demise reaches home, CNN host Campbell Brown and her latest panel of political commentators predict Obama-Biden will still win the election.
“Governor Palin’s shooting of bin Laden was impressive,” Brown concludes. “But it still doesn’t beat Obama’s acceptance speech at the convention. Nothing can possibly top that. Wow!”
posted by Mary Paleologos at
8:39 AM
3 Comments:
Brilliant! Hilarious!
Great read...sadly ,some large amount of truth.
Yep! Campbell Brown makes the very point I made in commenting on your Dec. blog. How true. Now, back to my dream.
Chuck
Post a Comment
<< Home